Midnight Confessions

I am prone to chasing white rabbits in search of a new shortcut to happiness.

I am sentimental to a fault.  With white knuckled fury, I will hold onto remnants of the past that once made me smile.   They were but moments in time.  Faded memories of for-one-night-only shows.

I hereby release my grip… and let go.

I followed my heart for years, and I am happy to have it returned to me.

I have realized that water does, in fact, seek it’s own level.  Which explains why I am rising above what has become terribly unpleasant in my life.

I will not hate.  I will not hold a grudge.  I will not second guess or despise what I don’t understand.  It is simply not worth my time or energy.

I am not sorry for speaking of my heart.  It is the only language I know, and it is the most sincere.

I will be wrong about at least one thing — everyday for the rest of my life.  Being wrong is humbling and builds character.  It’s liberating to get called on it.

Promises mean nothing to me.  I will judge situations by the actions involved (or absence of action) and maneuver accordingly.

I long for the day when I can close the door because everything I love is already inside.

Those of you who know me well know that these are not really confessions at all.  I am transparent to those who care enough to listen.  You have a habit of knowing my next move before I’ll admit it to myself.

Thanks for being my friends even when I’m a pain in the ass.  I will return the favor.

From Underneath the Debris

I’ve moved many times before.  Mostly schlepping my boxes from one overcrowded apartment to another.  The boxes are rarely opened between moves.  It has occurred to me that I have entirely too much baggage.  Still.

Much like when one discovers that a dead fish has been placed behind the hubcap, I decided to spend some more time tonight trying to figure out what stinks.  In that time, I have sorted through the debris and disposed of five more large bags of dead and rotting weight.

I was a little surprised at what was no longer important for me to keep — and what was.  Magazine clippings, news articles, out-of-date law books, old letters, empty decorative liquor bottles, bootleg videos, catalogs, damaged goods, expired cans of vegetables, assorted artifacts and pieces of my past.  The sound of smashing glass can be so liberating.

But I didn’t stop there.  More baggage to extricate.  And not the kind that can be carried out to the bin in garbage bags.  It’s so easy for me to become entangled in the aftermath of my broken dreams.  I tugged at a wayward thread and began to unravel the ties that have been hindering my growth.

I am already feeling less encumbered by my own thoughts.  I’m going to spend a bit more time sorting them out so that I can purge them in My Midnight Confessions.

More About Time…

Time… Time is a subject of great debate and fascination for me.  Time is an abstract currency we all have in equal amounts.  24 hours in a day.  What to do with them?

Would it be fair to assume that we all have a choice — to an extent — what or whom we spend our time on?  I think it is.  Time is allocated according to priority.  Necessity.  Sustenance.  Pleasure.

Time is precious.  I, for one, hate wasting my time.  Take my money.  Take my pride.  Maybe I’ve gotten a little miserly with my time in my old age, but that’s just the way it is.

Time is not money.  Time is life.  Spend it wisely.

There have been moments I wanted more than anything for time to stand still.  There were a few nights I had slowed it to a crawl — albeit only in my mind — and it was quite memorable.  10 minutes felt like an hour.  I couldn’t really explain it without incriminating myself.  But… I want to do it again.  Something very nice… with someone very nice.  Someday.  Perhaps I’ll feel so inclined.

At other moments, time can be painfully slow.  Life and time.  It’s just really hard for me right now.  Neither here nor there.  In limbo.  Winding down life as I know it in order to move along.  I would much rather be spending my time with people I care about then rambling away at my keyboard, but that’s just not physically possible right now.

No matter.  Those bridges have been burned.  No turning back now.  It may take me ages to make up my mind… but when I do, it’s final. I move quickly once a decision is made.

Though I do realise that nothing is forever.  I am free to move on again… should I choose to.  Should my time end, I will know that I did what I wanted to… at the time I wanted to.