Eternal Sunshine of the Clouded Mind

These have been strange days.  Leisure.  Insecurity.  Joy.  Sloth.  A waking daze.  I’ve become completely nocturnal.  Lunch is 8ish.  Dinner at 1am.  Time is measured more by the number of songs played. (I discovered another box of CDs…)

I spent a bit of time today experimenting with herbal combinations.  Damiana.  Blue Flag.  Passion Flower.  Wild Lettuce.  Lobelia.  Galangal Root.  Kava Kava. Followed by Incense and Peppermints.  Nothing really struck my fancy.  And I’m almost out of tobacco.  I guess I’d been meaning to cut down anyhow.

Love Is The Drug.  It’s nearly tiresome to fall in love.  A hundred times a day.  The sound of falling rain.  The rythym of the base as it vibrates the walls.  The enchanting sound of a voice from the past.  Sleeping in as long as I care to.  A melody that plays continuously in my head long after the song has ended.  Chocolate.  Soaking in a hot bath until my hands are pruney.  Dreaming dreams that feel like viewing the world through another’s eyes.  Lightning Blue Eyes.  The color I see when I close my own.

The thermostat is set to 80F.  Miniskirts and flip-flops in December.  Somehow, it’s just not quite the same.  I’ve been fighting a miserable bug for weeks.  My head is actually much more clear today.  Congested only by thoughts.  Questions without answers.  Such as:

Why are some people so fiercely insensitive?  What pleasure can possibly be attained by being cruel?  When did public humiliation become a national pasttime?  Was I Asleep At the Wheel?

I find this behavior to be completely repulsive and unattractive.  For fuck’s sake — be nice to your fellow humans!  Think.  Nice thoughts.  Then speak.  Or don’t say anything at all.  If such an entity as Karma exists, may the strictest of its vengeance rain upon mean-spirited people.  For all the world to gape at.  Please… be nice.  Someday, that could be any one of us… living in a plastic menagerie.

Happy thoughts… I love listening to Depeche Mode….while painting my toenails with glittery red polish.

The Meaning of Life

My philosophy of the meaning of life… is actually pretty simple. I tried to be complicated about it, but it won’t work itself out that way.

The meaning of life is not universal — in the sense that its meaning is the same for everyone. It’s more of a moment. A revelation. A trigger. A catalyst.

Contained within this moment… is pleasure. Despite the pain of past moments. Despite mistakes (which don’t exist). Despite wrong turns and detours (which, again, don’t exist).

Within the pleasure of that moment… is an overwhelming feeling of respite. A feeling that — if you have the foresight of this moment — you’d willingly face the pain of the past again. Just to reach this moment again.

All the aimless wandering — previously viewed and blind luck, or lack thereof, suddenly appears to have design. The fragmented pieces of your life begin to fit together again.

I have not reached this much anticipated moment… yet I am certain it exists. I will patiently wait. I will wander as I tend to do. I will savor everything life has to offer.

Pleasure can be found where you least expect it. In places you’ve never heard of… or things you’ve never tried… or people you’ve not yet met.

Though the future is uncertain and unclear, I will not be afraid. In this adventure called Life, I will know better… now… than to under appreciate what I have… when I have it.

Whatever the meaning winds up being… Life is too short to waste on unpleasurable moments. Chuck your baggage to the curb… and move along. The next moment just might be the right one.

First Joys, Job Prospects, & Winter sucks

I found my first joys…

It has been incredibly quiet here.  No sounds of traffic.  No honking crazy people fighting for a parking spot at the 99 Cent Store.  No Megabitch living underneath me.  No screaming drama-queen rearranging his furniture and blasting techno at 2am.  Just the distant sound of a train traveling down the tracks.

Also, I went to the grocery store the other night.  Around 2am.  I drove four miles in less than ten minutes to get there.  I was pretty close to the only car on the road.  A lone ranger on a midnight mission for sour cream and orange juice.  The night… once again… belongs to me.

The down side (there’s always one, isn’t there?) is that I’m already fighting a heinous cold.  I’ve been popping echinacea pills like they were candy.   Colds are just nasty.  I haven’t had one since… 1995.  At least I didn’t catch the flu my dad had.

Another problem I encountered… was the oven.  It’s one of those fancy-shmancy ones.  Took me 2 hours to figure it out.  And I still burned the frozen pizza mum left in the fridge for me.  My gawd… I must be some kind of domestic retard.  Don’t even get me started on the 50-different-settings washing machine… Where’s Martha Stewart when you need her?  Oh… right.

Right now, I’m broke, cold, and hungry.  But — good news is on the horizon!  I have already scheduled two job interviews for next week.  I could’ve done it this week, but I’d have to show up wearing sweat pants and a T-shirt that reads “I Make Good Boys Bad”… so next week is cool.  One is through a hiring agency.  The other, a direct hire with a law firm in East Wichita.

It’s funny.  During the phone interview, the HR girl warned me that they were WAY on the other side of town from me.  I had to laugh out loud.  I’m like, “I’m from L.A…  A 20 minute commute is like… a walk in the park on a sunny day.”

All my junk will be arriving on Friday morning, so I’ll probably be spending the weekend sorting through my stuff and putting aside more things to sell.  Maybe Craigslist.  And eBay.  I don’t see people staging garage sales in this weather.  54 degrees today.  I’m told it’s a heat wave.  Ugh…

Anyway, I’m going to go take a long soak in a tub of hot steamy water to take the edge off this winter chill.

Peace, Love & Happiness ~