South Main Street has become a virtually empty stretch… missing my favorite haunts.  Poor Boy Records, Woods & Woods, the comic book shop… Gone.   The old pizza shop I worked at… Gone.  The theater on 30th Street… Gone.   The list goes on…  Tomassi’s, The Golden Dragon, The Purple Pickle… Nothing but a shadow of its former self disguised as progression.   

At the end of Main Street is a changeless mausoleum of my broken dreams — Carey Park.  I’ll never forget the first stroll I took down by the pond after 10 years of being away.  It was December, and the water was as frozen as my memories of times since deceased… 

Much as I know I should just bury them… I preserved them with vodka… hoping to eventually see signs of a pulse to resuscitate.

Why think of it now?  It’s almost time for “The Fair“.  Old friends have called to tell me, “You gotta go to The Fair — everyone will be there!”  *sigh*  It is, after all, tradition.  I’ve never been traditional, but I’m a sentimental fool…  And due to that, I am reminded of rides through the Old Mill, instant photo booths, quiet walks after dark by the pond, cotton candy, lemonade, funnel cakes, clutching tightly to someone while on the Zipper, the smell of diesel and cow shit…   Memories that invoke both love and hate for what I was and what I am.

Memories that remind me that I can never really go home… no matter how much I want to.

Certain stalkerazi were seriously creeping me out, but I think time has taken care of that problem.  They have others to prey upon now.  I’m old news & quite happy about that.

I’m a good deal stronger now… and so, I must digress.  Come what may.  While I have the time & I’m still in the mood.

Losing Teddy reminded me of what it was like to love  — and  how important it is to continue loving.  I have since adopted 3 more cats since Teddy passed to the Other Side:  Simon, Rebecca and Reagan.  I think he would have wanted it that way… and Jack was getting lonely.  Here’s a look at the new kids (and, of course, Jack!):

A lot has happened since last year, and I will definitely be posting about it soon.  It’s been a busy day… Watered the garden, did the laundry, cleaned the litter boxes, jammed on my guitar for a couple hours, listened to some music, cuddled with some kitties, vacuumed the carpet… the foks are coming over tomorrow to help me finish the privacy fence.  It’s funny… no matter how well I clean the place up, it’s never quite enough.

It was a long day at the office… Lots of work to catch up on.  Not due to my absence, but due to others’.  Oh, well.  I guess it has to be done.  Exhausted from lack of sleep.  Jack threw up on me last night in bed.  Had to get up and wash the sheets at 4am.  Yuck!

In case you haven’t guessed, Teddy was an amazing kitty whose little paw prints are forever emblazed across my heart.  I want to share some of the ways he brought joy and laughter to my life.

I first met Teddy in Tucson, Arizona.  I had been working with a T-N-R cat rescue group.  Teddy was among the litter of kittens I provided a foster home for.  One by one, all the little kittens were adopted.  All except Teddy.  He was terminally shy and refused to meet and greet anyone for adoption.  This confused me as he was very sweet and affectionate toward me when we were alone together.  Alas, I agreed that Teddy was no longer up for adoption.  He had found a home with me.

Teddy was very particular to whom he would get close to.  He was very fond of his adoptive brother, Jack, and his sister, Shalom.  They would often engage in a cuddle puddle — on the couch, in a chair, on my pillow, in the middle of the floor, in the tub — they were fast friends.

Teddy and Jack would often take turns giving each other a bath, very careful to get all those hard to reach spots — like the ears!

Some of Teddy’s favorite treats were swiss cheese, anchovies, coffee cake and steak.  There were times that he wouldn’t even wait for me to walk away from my plate.  He would try to swipe the food right off my fork!

His favorite place to sleep was directly on top of me.  If I slept on my back, he would curl up on my chest.  If on my side, he would perch himself at the peak of my hip.  When the weather was cold, he enjoyed being warm and secure underneath the covers beside me.

While Teddy, most times, appeared to be very meek and shy, he was also very territorial and protective.  If I ever had a house guest who outstayed their welcome, Teddy would leave them a message that it was time to move along.

He was my little shadow, following me from room to room until I sat down.  It was always an invitation to join me — and he always would.  Teddy would sit on my lap while I fixed my hair in the morning.  After I picked out my clothes for the day, he would lie on top of them to warm them up for me.  When I was cooking dinner, he would climb up on the counter to watch me (and get a few samples!)

He was my little cuddle buddy.  Whenever I’d curl up on the couch to watch a movie, he would curl up beside me and purr with contentment.

Sometimes, Teddy would just like to be held.  I would cradle him up to my chest and attend to my housework while he stretched his little arms around my neck.

It never mattered to Teddy how I looked or what mood I was in — if I was around, he wanted to me close to me.  He loved me unconditionally.  Rest assured, my little angel, you could do no wrong & the feelings were quite mutual.

These are just a few of my favorite things about my little angel, Teddy.  Just now, I can close my eyes and see him prancing around the meadows that grace Rainbow Bridge with Shalom and Lucy and Mittens and Mr. T. (the cat, not the actor.  LOL!)

Anyway, I am going to do my best now to smile when I think of Teddy and to not mourn the loss of his physical presence.  He will always be missed, but I have to trust that God is taking good care of my baby.

May your days and nights be filled with love and comfort.  Until we meet again, angel.

Much as your spirit lives on, so does my love for you.  I will try my best to think of the many good times we had — and not to focus on the pain.  I miss you so much, but I know I need to release you.  There are many who have waited eagerly to see you again, and I don’t want to keep you from enjoying that wonderful reunion.  I will get my chance, and I am counting the days until we meet again.

There are so many reasons I love you.  You are loyal, loving, playful, sensitive and giving.  You always held me close when I was sad.  You chose me to spend your life with.  You and I are both a bit reclusive, so we have a unspoken understanding.  You kept me warm.  You gave me hope.  You make me smile. 

You were a very loving brother to Jack.  He feels your physical absence with the same pain that I do.  I wish I knew the words to ease his pain, but I’m still trying to figure that out myself.  You have a lot of friends on earth that look forward to seeing your beautiful green eyes and hearing your sweet voice again.

Please do not be sad or miss me too much.  Teddy, I want you to play and love and laugh and have a wonderful time.  I know where you are, and I know you’re safe, warm, happy, without pain, and among friends.  You are in good hands.  That is all I ever wanted for you. 

You were, indeed, a gift from God & he was kind enough to entwine our souls on earth.  I know he wanted you back a few months ago, but we weren’t ready to be parted yet.  I know you hung in there longer than your body wanted you to.  I am so sorry for the pain you were feeling.  You are once again God’s angel.  Feel free to look in on Jack and I any time you want.  A part of you will always be with us in our hearts.

Until we meet again, my sweet angel, Teddy.  I will love you always.

P.S. — E. sends his love as well: http://www.teddythecat.com/

You can visit Teddy and his new friends at Rainbow Bridge:

http://www.rainbowbridge.org/residents.aspx?resid=RB0A5288

1.  To my friends, Steve and Eddie, who share equally the sorrow and the joy of my life.  I cherish you, as you are my chosen family.

2.  To my family, who understands me and holds me and loves me as I am.

3.  To Jack, who chose me as his human.  I have cherished your love and affection since 1996, when you first arrived at my door.  You had the key to my heart & I’ll never turn you away.

4.  To Teddy, who also chose me as his human.  For 11 years, you were my baby.  We shared a bond that many do not understand, but I will love you always.  You are my light, my love, my joy, and until we meet again, you will fill a space in my heart.

5.  To BD, who took me in when no one else gave me respect for my skills and background.  You left office politics at the door and accepted me as one of your own.

6.  To God, for always giving me what I need and making sure I land on my feet.  I am not angry at you for taking Teddy home.  I am grateful for the time you allowed me to share with him.  You made it possible for me to attend to his every need — to the very last minute of his time on earth.  Thanks also for allowing my parents to stay a little longer than planned.  I enjoy every minute with them.  Thanks as well for sending the wonderful human angels my way.  They make wonderful friends and are worth their weight in gold.  I wouldn’t trade them for all the money in the world.  I am sorry for doubting you for so many years.  You know what you’re doing and I respect that.

To everyone out there, may you find much peace, love and happiness in every form it is available.

Please take good care of my baby.  For 11 years he filled my life with love and joy.   Today, I gave him the peace he needed.  He was my special little angel — and now he belongs to you.  Please hold him and love him as I have.  Keep him safe and warm.  Tuck him in at night.  Send him love from me and his brother, Jack.  We miss him already…  We will love him always.

When I was just a kid, my dad always told me not to cry over the little things.  He said I’d need those tears for later in life, and if I cried them all too early, I’d run out.  I never knew what he meant until now.  I think the dam just broke… and it won’t stop flowing.

Oh, God.  I wasn’t ready to let him go.  I want him back!!!!  Please.  I’ll do anything…  anything.  Nothing could ever fill this void.  All the same.  Thanks, God, for letting me hold him one last time before we said goodbye.  He knew it was time.  He woke me up this morning crying.  I don’t think he was quite ready to go either… but we don’t always have that choice, do we?

Please, take good care of my baby.

Love,

Me

I hope the memories of your glory days are good company.  I’m really sorry if I’m not able to live up to them.  I’m 32, not 17.  Sure, I would have loved to have been born filthy rich, but I’m just a regular 9-5 working schmoe who tries the best I can with what I have.  That’s life.  And my life will go on.

While I’m busy moving on to my future, you can have all the time you want to reminisce about what could have been.  10 years from now, when you’ve lost the last of your charms and all hope of attaining a normal relationship, you can add me to the category of “the ones that got away.”  I’m picking up my last shred of dignity, and I’m moving on.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

XXOO

Jenny J

P.S. — Yes, I realise that you are far too self-absorbed to ever read this, but it makes me feel better to put it out there all the same.

I had skipped school on a sunny late spring day to ride my bicycle and breathe in the scent of freedom and fun and summer’s almost here.  Even then, I knew I had to hold on because the days are going to fly by.

I’m not entirely sure what triggered it.  The nice weather?  The peaceful atmosphere?  The dual-cassette deck I dragged home from the D.A.V. shop?  Music from a time when life was a dream?

At any rate, I had a fantastic day of shopping (lots of pink and green frilly things!) and I am now enjoying a lazy day in the sun.  The grass is mowed.  The bills are paid.  All is well!

I’ve always had a little help along the way from my family, my friends, a few co-workers, perfect strangers…  they’ve all made an incredible difference in my life & I wouldn’t be able to find the door without them all.

The only thing I can really take credit for is a change of attitude, becoming more open to new experiences, and making a conscious decision to focus on what is most important to me in life.  Tomorrow begins a whole new chapter.  I’ve been waiting a long time for this.  I’m right where I want to be & I wouldn’t change a thing.